| 2009年深圳一模学生习作档次评述
(人教版高三英语下册教学论文) |
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2009年深圳一模学生习作档次评述 一、基础写作： Version 1: Here, I am recommending the program named Learning Chinese on Channel 9, which is international and convenient to watch. And it is on TV at 9:15 and at 15:15 except Monday and Sunday every week. Besides, the program contains 3 parts: communcative Chinese, traveller Chinese and Athletic Chinese. However, referring to the entire program, I am most impressed by the host, Dashan, who is a canadian with rich experience of learning Chinese. Lastly, I intensely advice you to watch this program due to its easyness and vividness, and if so, I am convinced you will soon get to know Chinese cultures much better. 优点：语言规范，精炼。句式灵活丰富且恰到好处，能运用较高级的词汇：如句中的I am recommending；referring to; I am convinced. 不足：个别翻译表达错误，如Communicative Chinese; Athletic Chinese；个别用词不当，如最后一句谓语应用动词advise而不能用名词advice。 得分：13 Version 2: Dear Patti, Nowadays, Chinese is holding a very big popularity all over the world, and I am very pleased that you want to learn Chinese, too. Here, I would like to introduce you a programme called “Learning Chinese” on CCTV9, an international channel which is quite convenient for you to look it up. The reporter Da Shan is from Canada, with whose humour and rich experience in learning Chinese, the programme is sure to be lively and interesting for you to learn Chinese more easily. It mainly includes Chinese in communicating, travelling and sports, which is just begun with the 2008 Olympic Games. I think the programme will be of great help for you foreigners to know more about Chinese culture. By the way, the programme is bound to be broadcasted at 9:15 and 15:15 every Tuesday and Saturday. So I hope you will like the program and benefit a lot from it! Yours, Li Ming 优点：内容组织合理、连贯，有个别亮点表达式，非谓语动词和定语从句运用熟练、恰当，如文章黑斜体字部分。 不足：出现较多的用词不当，个别意思表达错误，如文中下划线部分。reporter意为记者；sure的主语一般是人；includes应为contains; is bound to意为 “注定…”;every Tuesday and Saturday应为from every Tuesday to Saturday. 得分：12 Version 3: I’d like to introduce a program named Learning Chinese to in the international channel CCTV 9, which is convenient for to watch at home. You can watch this program at 09:15 or at 15:15 from Tuesday to Saturday every week. Da Shan, a Canadian, who hosts Learning Chinese and becomes popular with foreigners, has rich experience of learning Chinese. Since 2008 Beijing Olympics, the content of this program has been enlarged, which includes Communication Chinese, Travel Chinese and PE Chinese. Being easy to understand, easy to learn and interesting, it is suitable for you to get the hang of Chinese culture and spread it wherever you go. Version 4: Here, I (would like to) introduce to you a TV program named Learning Chinese, which is on the (去掉)CCTV 9, the (an) international TV chennel (channel). From Tuesday to Satuaday, at 09:15 and 15:15, the program would be （is broadcast） on TV. The program is hosted by Da Shan, a Canadian, who has a lot of experience in learning Chinese. Including Communicate in Chinese and Travel in Chinese, the program add (added) the (去掉) Sport (Sports) in Chinese during the (Beijing) Olympic games. This program is not only easy and insterenting to under and studay, but also help the world know more about Chinese culture. 老师点评：本文基本上把信息点都写全了，并且结构和顺序安排得比较合理，有一定的句式变化，如同位语和定语从句的使用，分词作状语等，粗体字为本文的亮点词句。不足之处在于出现了太多的低级错误，特别是常用词的拼写错误，如划线词。评分：9（如果减少这些单词错误，本文可以得11分） Version 5: Now there is a TV show named “Communicate in Chinese” can help you to improve your Chinese. It often plays at 9：50 and 15：15 from Tuesday to Saturday on the international channel 9 CCTV. The three parts of it are “ Social Chinese, Tour Chinese and Sport Chinese” and the last one will start to be played at the beginning of the Olympic Games in 2008. The DJ is an Canadian man named Da Shan Who has ample experience in learning Chinese. So this TV show is easy to understand and learn and it also can make you know more about Chinese culture. 评语：句子结构有问题，还有中英文表达不准确。11 分 Version 6: Dear Patti, Nowadays, Chinese is holding a very big popularity all over the world, and I am very pleased that you want to learn Chinese, too. The best way to mention is to learn from the program called Learning Chinese on CCTV 9. Being the international channel, you can watch it 09:15 or 15:15 easily every Tuesday to Saturday. Made by the Canadian Da Shan, he is knowledgeable enough to follow with his adequate learning experience about Chinese. The Communicate in Chinese, Travel in Chinese and Sports in Chinese are the contents the program includes. What it attracts me is that it can be learned or understood easily and express the Chinese culture vividly. 内容表达到位，但有些地方语言表达欠通顺，有几处语法错误。 得分：10 Version 7: Dear Patti, Nowadays, Chinese is holding a very big popularity all over the world, and I am very pleased that you want to learn Chinese, too. I know a program named Learning Chinese, is on board at 9:15 and 15:15. It is on CCTV 9, an international Channel, which is convenient for you. The instructor is named Da Shan, who is a Canadian and has a rich experience in learning Chinese. Moreover, communicate Chinese, Tourist Chinese are included and Sport Chinese will be involved in 08 Olympic Games. Dashan has made it easy to learn and understand in interesting way so you could gain more knowledge about China Culture. 表达欠流畅，有些词的用法不够贴切。很多信息点应该分开来写。得分：9 Version 8: The TV programme “Learning Chinese” monitored by Dashan, a Canadian with rich Chinese learning experience. Boardcasted at 9:15 and 15:15 between Tuesday and Saturday on CCTV 9, an international channel, is convenient for you to access. Chinese communication, Traveling Chinese as well as sports Chinese, started at 2008 Olympic Games, are including it the program. It’s so interesting and lively that make learning and understanding more easilier. By the programme, you not only can understand China culture, but also master Chinese well. 优点：本文作者用了几处的同位语， a Canadian, an international channel和过去分词做定语，monitored b, started at 2008和过去分词做状语，broadcasted at 9:15等；另外动词access也用得比较好。 不足：句子的写作基础不够扎实，第1.2.句子没有主语；词汇部分错误较多，Boardcasted拼写错误，应为 broadcasted, monitored ，are including和more easilier以及by the programme都用的不恰当,应分别改为hosted, are included, more easily(easier) 和through the programme. Version 9: Named Learning Chinese, the program located in CCTV9 because it can be convenient for us to receive. What’s more, you shall turn on the TV on 9:15 and 15:15 every Tuesday and Saturday. The hoster of the program is Dashan who is an Canadia and has rich experiense of learning Chinese. The program also contain Communicate in Chinese, Travel in Chinese, P.E. in Chinese. Above all, it is easily for you to learn, to get and to regard it an interest. It also helps to know and spread the cultural of China. 优点：包括了基本信息内容，连贯性较好。 不足：语言运用能力较差，单词拼写错误如Canadia、experiense。主持人应该是host，冠词使用不当；第三人称单数没加s；另外，漏信息点，如08年“奥运”始播。 得分：7 二、读写任务 Version 1: Saving Water When seeing a water tap running water, Peter just passed by deliberately while Mary went up to turn it off immediately. But the two students seemed not satisfied with each other’s behavior. It’s clear that Mary has done a good job while what Peter did is what should be to blame. Mary cares more about things around her and treasures everything in life. But Peter is such a cold selfish boy who only concentrates on himself. Actually, similar things have even happened in my school. Some students use the direct-drinking water to wash fruit or their dirty hands just for convenience. Some may use too much water to bathe and wash clothes, so there is sometimes shortage of water in the dormitory building. I think, all these behaviours are some kind of wasting water, which is very limited on the earth. We all should help save water by doing little things, like turning off the water tap, and the school leaders should also take some measures to solve the problem. 优点：概括基本抓到要点，但对于第二点的表述不太准确（见文中下划线部分），所以给3分；第二部分篇章结构及内容的组织合理，主题句、扩展句的设置紧扣主题，能做到段落内容的一致和连贯，论述言之有物，结尾自然，语言流畅，恰当运用到较多亮点词汇和表达式，如文中黑斜体字部分。 不足：个别语言表达不够自然和简洁，如文中下划线部分。 得分：21 Version 2: Begin With the Simplist Things Facing the water running for nothing, Peter chose to ignore it while Mary took a quick action to turn it off, feeling disappointed at Peter’s behaviour. Mary is well deserved to be praised for her behavior. Everyone should make his or her attempt to save our limitted resources. Similar things happened in my campus. Amy is always the one who leaves the classroom at last. As a girl who cares much for our resources, she never forget to turn off the lights for three years. What’s more, in many cases she helps to turn off the lights of other classrooms. Nothing can be more simple than turning off the lights when you leaves, but it really counts. We’re calling for saving, but for most of us, to say is one thing and to do is another thing. So try to save resources,beginning with simply things. 得分：21 点评：能围绕主题展开来写，文章的结构简洁合理，句与句之间语意连贯，自然流畅。 但在某句中没注意运用正确的时态。 Version 3: Saving the Resources The story tells us that Peter ignored the running water tap when he passed by it. After Mary came up to turn it off and scolded him, Peter still thought it was none of his business. In my opinion, Peter is wrong because he lacks the sense of responsibility to save the resources. As the society develops, we are in short of many kinds of resources. Turning a running tap off is such an easy thing that everyone can do. Everyone can contribute to the environment by doing such little and easy things. Peter’s thought is quite harmful. One day, when I walked along the street, I saw a young boy picking up waste paper on the ground to get it recycled. I was moved by his behaviour, so I went up to help him. It was a beneficial experience for me. If the idea of saving resources can be spread in the society, our world may become more beautiful. 得分：22分 Version 4: Resources saving This is story about the sight of the running water. Mary turned it off while Peter walked away regardless of it. Needless to say, Peter is to blame for he neglected the resources wasting. The similar behavior became the hot topic nowadays, that is the resources saving. With the limited resources, running out it is our obligation to save it and protect our earth. Take the examples of my friend as a vivid illustration. Some of them forgot to turn off the light when no one was in the classroom, some of them waste the food in the canteen and so on. All of those are the least things to be followed. Damaged by our mankind severely, the earth is losing its capability to serve us, it is high time that we took it seriously and protected our world. 结构合理，多处运用了高级词汇和句型。各别地方需要更换词的用法。得分：21 Version 5: Habbits reflect sence Peter ignored a running water tap while Mary turned it off quickly. They also have different opinion about this that distinct their sence. After reading the story, I really think highly of the little girl Mary who has a public sence. Although the running tap was not left by her. She turned it off quickly to save water. She does know the water is precious as oil. From her, I could see the hope of our society . So I appreciate the girl named Mary. Moreover, I could see some little children pick up plastics water bottle and throw it into rubbish box in parks when they have a walk with their family. A big smile in my face but also in my heart. In my opinion, a good habbit reflects a good sence. A good habbit should be picked up from a childhood . So , parents and society should pay more attention to children so they could set a good habbit. 观点明确，思路清晰，各别地方有语法错误。得分：19 Version 6: Save the Source From the passage we know that peter didn’t turn off the tap which was used by others because he thought it was none of his business. But Mary turned off it and felt disappointed about Peter . From my point of vies, I think highly of Mary’s action. Because we live on the same earth, saving sources is our duty. Peter is a boy without any duties. Peter is a boy without any duties and doesn’t fit in our society. In my campus, students around me always do their best to save the source. They turn off the light when they leave the classroom, they collect waste paper for recycling, they collect the used batteries as well. So precious is the source that we can’t afford to waste it. All of us will try our best to establish a source. 评论：summary 写得比较全面到位，下面的感言主要是用词不够准确，最后一句表达意思不清楚。 得分：19分 Version 7: The mind (sense) of responsibility Peter went on walking when he saw water was still running, and said it is (was) none of my (his) business. (While) Mary rush (rushed) to turn the tap off, and was very disappointed when hearing what Peter said. I was very disappointed when I knew what Peter did. Peter thought he wasn’t resposible for the running water. However, we can solve this matter very easily. (两句的逻辑关系不能用However) This story reminded me of a experience that happened to me. One day, on my way home, I happened to see a crowd of people. When I rush to see what happened, (was happening) I found that a man (was) lying on the ground, and (去掉)asking for help. However, the people didn’t come to offer their help. In the end, the doctor came and found that the man was out of breath. From the two stories, I thought we must be responsible in our mind. 老师点评：本文的summary部分要点总结比较到位，但出现了错误（得3分），第二部分的段落结构安排得比较合理，有过渡句。亮点词汇、句式不多，见粗体字；不足之处在于出现了几次时态错误和句子结构错误。如划线词、句。最后的总结稍显简单。评分：3+13=16 Version 8: Save the Water Peter and Mary were noticed that water tap was forgot to turn off when they were passing by. Mary rushed to the tap and turned it off, but Peter seemed not to have noticed it. Mary was disappointed about what Peter had done. Each of us should follow Mary as a example. Water plays a important role in our life. No one can live without the water. To save the water is the duty of everyone. So I hope everyone can save the water as the Mary done. My mother taught me how to save the water by her actions. She always collect the water which was used to washing or bath by a tank and water the flowers by it. She save the water as her words. It’s our duty to save the water in our daily life. 优点：Summary部分基本能把原文要点概括全。正文能按要求写，举例子，有总结句，结构完整。 不足：冠词（定冠词和不定冠词）使用错误。Summary部分，被动语态使用不当。第三段举例时时态不统一，过去时和现在时混用，表达不流畅。冠词使用不当，如water没特指时要零冠词。 得分：3+12 Version 9: Saving resource Seeing the water was still running, Tom went on walking and Mary turned off the water tap. Tom thought it was not his business, so he didn’t turn off the tap. It can’t fail to find that Mary has done a right thing. Because saving resource is everyone’s business. It’s also easy to find some example. Some crazy children didn’t want to wash their cloths, so they used washing machine to wash their own cloths. Another example, one student in class turned on all the lights and fans. In my opinion, wasting resource is a bad action. Most resource is limit. If we often waste them, they will be used up one day. So all of us should learn to save resource, like turn off the tap after using. 得分：3+10 优点：概括部分基本能交代清楚情节 不足： 1. 文章内容单薄，空洞，没有偏重。对Mary 或Peter行为的评述及自己理由讲得过于简单；在叙述身边所发生的类似的故事时所举之例不能称为“故事”，况且举了例子之后又没有交代通过例子想传达什么思想；最后的“感受与启发”，感受就是“这个行为不好”，启发就是“我们应该节约资源”，没有自己的想法，空喊口号。 2.词汇的使用错误较多。Cloths,应为clothes, limit 应为limited, it can’t fail to find主语应该是sb，最后的like turn off the tap应该是like turning等。 责任编辑：李芳芳 |
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